PROOF: There is no god.

A lot of time has passed from our original article on Wednesday, March 12th, 2008, and I can assure you a lot has changed. Pam Babcock, who may be better off forgetting the story that made her famous, is back in the news, and not for the reasons the public would hope. No she did not grow around a toilet again; in fact she was released from a hospital after a few months of treatment.

The reason she was in the news was because of her pathetic let-my-girl-live-in-the-bathroom-for-two-years boyfriend Kory McFarren. He received probation for the incident, but again this is not why we bring the couple up.



You see… Kory McFarren proved there is no god. How is this possible? Not only did this douche bag win the lottery. He did it twice. According to the AP article (click here), “A Kansas man whose girlfriend was physically stuck to the toilet in their home wins $20,000 in the state Lottery, for the second time this year. Kory McFarren cashed in his winning $2 Bonus Crossword ticket…”





Thank you, Kory. We were all wondering what happens in the afterlife. Now we know. Nothing.

-barry

2nd Annual Love Day

It's that time of year again, and no I'm not talking about taxes. One year ago today, we at the Worthless Opinions Headquarters created the Annual W.O. JLH Birthday Celebration less formally known as Love Day. The year was 1979. The date... February 21st. The heavens opened up, and an angel descended to Herbert Daniel Hewitt and Patricia Mae Shipp in Waco, Texas. Twenty-nine magical years later, we continue to sand in awe of the luminous Jennifer Love Hewitt. Now most women The W.O. has come across tend to hate her and knock her looks, we find something beautiful about this woman which draws men to her like a ship to a Siren. What is this thing? This ethereal quality? The extra something that tugs at our heart strings? Well I can tell you it's not her douchey fiance, who made her drop out of the number one spot on the WO Poll for the first time ever. Back to this thing,well to be honest, the thing is different for everybody. Since it snuck up on us this year (ed- being lazy is more like it), we will bring back the articles from last year. So enjoy this WO flash from the past, as we once again pay tribute to this legend. ~barry

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JLH by Buford

I was always picky when I was dating. Well, maybe picky isn't a good word. I think I was picky when it came to maintaining a girlfriend. I never particularly cared for dating and always looked for things to bother me so I didn't have to date the same person for very long. I could let anything bother me to the point where I couldn't even look at the person anymore. It became a running joke amongst my friends. Until Friends and Seinfeld ran gags on the same thing, but at that time I think I was already with my wife so it didn't much matter anymore. Anyway, I broke up with girls for: wearing a stupid outfit, talking too much about 'home', trying to finish my sentences (I still would break up with her, and damn that was annoying), having a whiny voice, being too Italian, having dated an Italian (a Staten Island Italian too), and god knows what else. I have been with my wife for almost 12 years so a lot of this has become fuzzy, but the general idea is, nothing was too little when it came to me just 'turning it off'.

I started thinking about this again with the upcoming 1^st annual WO JLH Birthday celebration (Love Day -ed). When I met my wife, I forgot about all of those little things that used to bug me. Well, maybe not forgot, but chose to ignore. It was cool to meet that person that you were willing to ignore all of that stuff and just be happy. I think Robin Williams said this better in Good Will Hunting and I don't want to plagiarize so….you get the drift. Soul mates, blah blah…

Jennifer Love Hewitt is that girl in my fantasy life. I have had many entertainment crushes in the past, but they all seemed to do something that appeared on the internet or in Star Magazine or US weekly for me to declare them pigs. I would probably still nail them, but the love was gone.

The best example I have of this would be Nicole Eggert. I was a big fan of her during the Charles in Charge run. We were about the same age; I felt like I had a shot, it was like it was meant to be. She then did Baywatch and she lost a little of her wholesome edge, but she was still cute and Summer was kind of money, so I let the fake cans go and she was all good in my world. Then she starred in Blown Away with the Corey's. This was something. She was NAKED in the movie. For more than one scene…and fully naked too. It was awesome. She also had sex scenes with both Haim and Feldman though, and that was not an easy pill to swallow. I convinced myself that she was acting and trying to get away from the child actor label. And then she did it, she lost me. She dated Eric Neis in real life. Eric FUCKING Neis!?!?! That was it. It was over. Don't get me wrong, I still own a copy of Blown Away, but she is just another hot naked girl now.

On a smaller scale, I thought Monica Seles was hot in an 'athletic' way. Until I read that she was almost six feet tall. I thought Summer Sanders was perfect, until I read in one of my wife's wedding magazines about her ridiculous wedding and what a spoiled twat she sounded like. I was a big fan of Jennifer Aniston, until, well I don't know when. She just bugs me now. I just started hating Rachel Ray yesterday because she kept using the phrase 'my sweetie' in reference to her boyfriend on the Rachel Ray marathon yesterday. Shut up, I was sick and my wife was in charge of the remote.

Jennifer Love Hewitt has tested me on more than one occasion. Mostly because of whom she chooses to date. I had a big problem when she was dating Carson Daly. Mainly because Carson Daly is stupid. And he painted one fingernail black and that made absolutely no sense. And I couldn't stand the way he changed his speech patterns depending on his guests on TRL. Why was I watching TRL when I was in my mid 20's? I don't know…Still, Carson Daly?

She also dated the guy from LFO. THE GUY FROM LFO! I think my unborn child could have told you that they were a bunch of go nowhere losers. But she dated him. For a while too. It's like she has no self esteem and goes out with anyone that writes a crappy song that mentions her. (I should probably start songwriting.)

And this one kills me…She dated Wilmer Valderamma. COME ON!?!?!?!?!? This guy is like Scott Baio to the new generation of attractive celebrities. I can't even read about who else she is dating anymore. It just hurts my head. But, like the guy said in 'The 40 year old Virgin':

David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.

Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?

David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...

[Gets flustered, but calms down]

David: But that's love, man.

Getting past this stuff in my real life isn't easy, let alone during my fantasy TV life. I felt for sure that would be the end of it….JLH broke down the walls. I accepted her past as part of her process. And she is much more than a TV star that is on 'my list' with the missus…She is like the missus in the made up world in my head and my wife is on the 'list' with JLH.

So, every week I watch Ghost Whisperer just to get glimpse of the pure, natural beauty that made me forget all of nonsense that normally makes me 'end' things and hate people.

Happy Birthday Baby!

JLH by Speed

Wikipedia defines Jennifer Love Hewitt as "an American actress and singer." She is all that, and more. We all know her from Party of Five, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and Ghost Whisperer. She also has a beautiful singing voice and her single "How Do I Deal" cracked 26th place on the charts. While she is most respected on stage and screen, her appeal to this member of the W.O. staff is her large, yet perky, melons.

It is rare to have a rack as fine as her's. Yet, as a man, I don't believe I could stay true to them. There is always another pair, just around the corner, that would distract my stare. On this, the first annual W.O. Jennifer Love Hewitt Day, I would like to profess my love for tits.

Some guys say that they have eyes for only one woman. They have committed to a lifetime together and their gaze would never stray. These men are liars. If the lady next door were washing the dishes topless, he would be volunteering to take out the trash in order to get a better look. Even if the lady next door was a card carrying AARP member.

Yes, that's right, it doesn't matter the size, shape, color or age of the tits, guys love 'em. It's just the way we're made. Sure, guys love women and some even restrict that to one woman, but they're always on the look out for a nice pair of cans.

So, as we sit down to dinner and celebrate JLH Day with friends and family, and as we reflect on her near-miss Oscar performances on such films as Can't Hardly Wait, The Tuxedo and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, don't forget to say a prayer of thanks for that glorious rack. Oh and I almost forget about that ass.... oh yeah.

Love by Barry

I've lived a good life, so far. Actually that's a lie. I have been blessed and cursed. Bad things happen, you move on, but the scars remain. Half the time, even I find it hard to believe what I've been through, and turned out alright.

Sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, more drugs, financial ruin, hatred, beatings, broken hearts, broken bones and finally, 'Love.' Wow, is that a hard word to define or what? Even the online dictionary definition I just cheated and glanced at has too many definitions to read. So let me cut and paste the first one right out of 'The American Heritage Dictionary.'

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

Yes I have been lucky. Skinny Barry or Fat Barry, I have always managed to find a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman who loves me. Sometimes it isn't right, sometimes its wonderful, but with all the evil I have done in life. I'm still lucky. At least I admit it right?

Now girls to women, who have been with me, (and blessed me with their presence) all seemed to have one more thing in common, a deep down hatred for my Jennifer Love. JLH has been a mainstay in my heart for many years. In the twisted depths of my mind, we grew up together, watched each other rise and fall. She was eternally, the girl next door (Well actually the girl on TV. Sorry to come off like LFO, Buford.) Because we were the same age I instantly grew attached to her on Kids Incorporated. She disappeared from my life for awhile, but was back in a couple of episodes of Byrds of Paradise, then Party of Five. I found her in the films Sister Act 2 and House Arrest. We all know her career from there, so I'll carry on.

She was always a friendly face. I could pop in a tape or DVD, sit back and smile. No matter what circumstances. There was the ideal girl next door. Now don't get me wrong… I haven't stalked, I know I would have no shot in real life (although she did kiss Jackie Chan in The Tuxedo). Brilliant writing there, ugh. Still Preston Myers had it right. There is more to her than being Mike Dexter's girlfriend. There is a beautiful, compassionate, understanding girl that is easy to love underneath it all. And I wouldn't date a girl unless she had those same qualities.

Happy Birthday, J.Love. Thanks for getting me through the times, and elevating my standards.

And I know you are as upset as me, but that brings our second annual Love Day to a close. I hope everyone has a wonderful Love Day and celebrates it in their own unique way.... whatever that may be. Let's hope for many more to come. With love Jennifer... Happy Birthday.


Editor Postscript: Yea... I didn't edit. It doesn't mean I don't still love. Just wanted to spread the joy before the day was over.

Lost and Found: Baby

Original Post: 29 Nov 2007 (Thursday)

(ed- of course I went for the Spanish cover)

Instead of working, Buford and Barry (me) tend to email each other back and forth throughout the day. We may have touched on Jennifer Love getting engaged, and her many questionable beaus of the past. We may have touched on Kristen Bell racing up the charts like a rocket into our respective Top 5's (ed- See the WO Poll for updates). We may have talked about Buford tearing up during Rocky last night (ed- Sorry again). The point is these emails get us through the day. So let me give you an excerpt.

Buford: There is a new movie I saw a preview for before Enchanted this weekend (shut up, 3 daughters, it happens) about the Loch Ness Monster as a baby... that looks like it will amuse me.

Barry: Remember that movie "Baby" about the kidnapping of the baby Brontosaurus (I realize they don't exist anymore... and are now called Apatosaurus's or something)... I got to find a copy of that somewhere. I loved it as a kid, and only remember the mama tied down to a pontoon boat going out of the jungle.

Buford: Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We used to have that on VHS and my sister watched it all of the time...that was dope. I would totally watch that again.

Barry: That movie was huge and it just disappeared off the face of the earth. I don't know what happened. Ebay. I just remember buying Baby trading cards and Baby candy. Weird how it just disappears

Buford: That is really weird...it had a big push and no staying power....I now want to wrack my brain and think of others like that...Neverending Story maybe? Willow? I don't know...

Barry: The Neverending Story is on every now and then so I have to disagree with that. I know Disney burried The Black Cauldron (ed- Don't forget Song of the South) though... Dragonslayer was huge for a minute. I'd say Monster Squad but they just released that again. The Boy Who Could Fly? Do they show that anymore? This is tougher than it looks.

Buford: The Boy Who Could Fly has been on HBO family in the past few months...WOW that did not hold up well. Black Cauldron...Dark Crystal? I don't know...Baby is probably the best one...they did everything for it. And then it just vanished. Amazing.

So anyway... that's a little portion of the email conversation we had. This is where we need your help. The movie was called Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985). Isn't IMDB great? This movie had a marketing push that was insane. So much merchandise was available.

Now you may ask yourself... "Barry and Levon, where did you get two-hundred and forty dollars?"

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby.
Whoops flashback.

You may ask yourself... "Barry... Buford... what do you want for us?"
Simple answer? We want you to help us think of a movie with a huge marketing and promotional push, which disappeared off the face of the Earth. Perhaps a little bigger than Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend.

Please help. I've already spent too many hours trying to figure this out. This also means I spent zero time on the edit of this blog. Take it for what it's worth.

Thank you
Barry Wiley

Update: We know you're out there... we have never solicited for comments before. Please... just give us a heads up. It's still killing my brain. Thanks again.

-Barry

Principal Vernon Was Right...

Buford wrote another beautiful piece awhile back. Did we ever post it? I'm not sure. Now this is a blog, I've been sick, and we were in desperate need of something new to post. So if we did use this previously, I apologize to the faithful readers who have been through it already. We got plenty more coming. Don't worry. For the new people who randomly crossed our path... enjoy.

- Barry

You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's "bitchin," is that it? Let me tell you something. Look at him - he's a bum. You want to see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years. You'll see how goddamned funny he is.

This scene in The Breakfast Club was at the point in the movie where John Bender is still playing up the 'tough guy' role. He's mouthing off to the principal, and trying to make him look like a fool in front of the other students. Basically, the scene illustrates perfectly how some teenagers act towards authority figures. I think the scene is brilliant on two fronts. One because anyone under the age of (I don't know... let's say) 21 thinks it an absolutely appropriate attack on conformity and the general idea of 'grown ups.' Conversely, everyone OVER that age can see that Vernon's response is 100% correct. This is something that I'm sure many teachers for YEARS have been dying to say to some of their smart assed students.

Vernon's statement to Bender is probably something that most everyone is already thinking. Bender was a go nowhere bum that was cruising through high school on his way to a go nowhere job (odds are more than one go nowhere job). He didn't care about anything, and it showed. High school was going to be his last hurrah, and I believe Bender knew it. Graduation would come, forcing him into the real world. And the real world isn't a very pleasant place sometimes. Especially for someone coming in completely ill equipped.

Granted, Bender had a tough upbringing, which sucks. Too bad for him though. Plenty of people have been placed behind the eight ball. It's his job to work his way out of it. Instead, he decided to prove all his critics correct by becoming the bum they all thought he was.

My guess is that shortly after graduation, Bender would be kicked out of his house, and would have moved into some crappy apartment. From there, he would have to take on a crappy job at a gas station, unloading trucks, etc. At first, he would be a big hit with some of the rising seniors at Shermer High School, because they would have a place to hang out, drink and smoke weed, basically somewhere with no rules; a club house, if you will. This would be fantastic, until approximately the end of the first semester of college for all of his former friends that he used to hang out with that did go off to school. This is when Bender would get his first taste of 'growing up.'

All of his old friends would be home from school now, and would come over and hang out. They would still smoke up, drink and b.s. about the old days, except his friends were now also talking about the new people they have met and different things they are doing. This is when his old friends would begin to realize that Bender was in fact going nowhere. Chances are he would probably lose his first job about now. His friends are home for vacation, and he would undoubtedly screw it up by wanting to hang out, and not 'giving a fuck.' It happens. He is only 18, and 18 year olds make mistakes. Unfortunately for him, he is not in a position to make a lot of 18 year old mistakes anymore. If he doesn't lose his job, well then, he has now come to the realization that his is in fact a working stiff in a shitty job, while his friends are off having fun. This is when his lot in life becomes clear.

By the end of the second semester, the friends don't call him when they get back from school as quickly. They now have other things to do. Maybe they realize that hanging out with the 'old crew' isn't as fun as it used to be, and frankly, John has probably moved on a little as well. Here he is... 19 now, and most likely hanging out with guys that were him 10 years ago. He has officially started his descent into becoming a regular at some third shift bar. He is now who he will be for the rest of his life. At 19 years old.

By the time his friends from high school are graduating college, Bender is firmly entrenched in his meager life, which he created for himself. He has become someone who his old friends will run into on that Wednesday before Thanksgiving at the local bar. They will smile, and speak politely. They will also realize that they have nothing in common with the man they thought was so cool in high school. Bender will have become that bum that Vernon had prophesied 5 years earlier.

Now, is it possible that it worked out another way? Yes. It's possible. Do I think it would have? No way. Bender had too much going against him to start with; he needed to be dedicated to making sure these things didn't happen to him. The last semester of his senior year is entirely too late for him to magically 'turn it around.'

When Vernon calls out Bender, it is a turning point in the movie. Here is an educator calling out a bum on his bullshit, and actually saying 'I'm not going to take it anymore.' I love it. I sided with Bender in high school... but, now? Vernon was right. Bender is a shiftless asshole.

-Buford

Best Monkeys in TV/Movie History

So it's a new year already. The good ol' '08. What better way to look forward to the future, than to study the past. Yes Master Yoda, I remember what you taught me.

"All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless.”

But forgetting the sage like advice from one of the greatest teachers, (Yes I am a geek... but from what I hear that's chic now) we do look to the future. And that brings me back to the past. On January 11th, 2007, Buford produced a blog that made all of us at WO Headquarters very proud.

With that.... I bring you his article, "The Best Monkeys in TV/Movie History."

Enjoy,

Barry

The Best Monkeys in TV/Movie History
(Originally posted: Jan 11, 2007)

After watching a commercial for Trunk Monkeys (which are awesome and everyone should watch), I was sitting around thinking about how great monkeys have been in the movie industry. Pretty much every time a monkey is in a movie or on screen, you are going to stop and watch; because, monkeys are fantastic and always food for a laugh. So, I sat there and thought about monkeys. And monkeys in movies and television. And monkeys that I have never forgot. Monkeys are awesome. And here is a list of my favorite monkeys.

Clyde (Any Which Way But Loose)

He was also in the sequel, but I don't think I really liked the sequel as much. I like CLYDE in the sequel, but the movie?? Eh. Actually, I liked Philo fighting the guy he had befriended, and I liked how excited that guy was when he broke Philo's arm, only to get his ass kicked anyway. Ok, I liked that movie too... the Any Which Way series rocked. Now, onto Clyde; Clyde could take cars apart, drink beer, and liked to get his groove on. He also was an excellent bodyguard, and had a fantastic smile. This movie also stars Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood and a monkey, I'm going to watch that every time.

Marcel (Friends)

I never really liked Marcel. I actually hate spider monkeys... because they aren't real monkeys. Well, at least they aren't like good monkeys that you could train to use the bathroom or sit in a bar with. They are pretty much the 'pet' of the monkey world, and I like my monkeys to be more of a friend than a pet. Is that wrong? I don't know, but that is my criteria.

Anyway, Marcel roped me in during one episode of Friends where they were over at Ross' apartment, and Marcel kept playing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" over and over again while dancing on a chair. After much complaining from the group, Ross goes over and turns the stereo off. Marcel then gets down from his perch and runs off into the bedroom; where he proceeds to slam the door. It was brilliant. Granted, the monkey had very little to do with this, as I'm sure some PA slammed the door. None the less, the effect was awesome. Marcel gained a lifetime pass, and entry into my monkey list from that one episode. I enjoyed his later work, when he dressed up as a ballerina, and took a dump in Rachel's shoe as well. Marcel barely makes the list, but he earned his spot.

Virgil (Project X)

Virgil... ahhhh, Virgil. This movie made me cry. (-ed. It made Barry cry as well) Matthew Broderick did this movie when he was still on the heels of Ferris Bueller, and he smoked Marlboro Reds too. You can't smoke Reds in a family friendly film these days, but Ferris did... and Ferris was awesome.

This also starred a pre-Mad About You Helen Hunt. This also makes her pre-Oscar and in turn, pre-bitch. She pretty much just had Tami Maida as the Quarterback Princess on her resume at the time this movie was filmed. So, she was humble, and only slightly bitchy. I am still mad that she left Hank Azaria. F-ing bitch.

Anyway, Virgil was a monkey that Helen Hunt taught sign language, and many other things. He was a very bright and wicked cute little guy that lived life like a child, and Helen was his mom. Until funding dried up on her stupid little experiments, that is. Helen didn't have the money to buy the monkey outright from the school, so she was told he was being sent to a zoo. Turns out the zoo means sent to the Air Force for a top secret mission. Anyway, because Virgil is so smart he is like the superstar of the training class.

This class also includes Goofy and Goliath. Two of the most underrated monkeys ever to grace the silver screen. Goliath is an old monkey that was brought in from a circus. He is grumpy, and smokes. Goofy, is just the house retard... but, cute. So yeah, the house retard. Anyway, turns out that the training they are doing is just simulations to see how long a pilot can continue to fly an airplane after being exposed to a nuclear blast and the ensuing radiation. Virgil and most of the monkeys get away at the end, Goliath saves the day in one of the most brutal death scenes ever filmed, and all is well in the land. I haven't seen this movie in about 15 years, and I can still remember everything. In particular, how awesome Virgil was when he signed for an apple.

I

What are some other monkeys that were great in movies and television? I feel remiss to not add Bear from BJ and the Bear, but that show was long ago, and I find that even mentioning it nowadays is usually met with blank stares.

Who are your favorite monkeys? And seriously, is there actually anyone in the world that does NOT like monkeys?

-Buford

Back when this was originally posted we did get some replys. Our good friend Tracey brought up Lancelot Link. WO staffer, Speed, also brought to our attention that Marcel is also the rally monkey, and for that reason alone he should be dropped from the list. Now we solicit more responses.

Beyond that? have a great day.