Thursday, February 21, 2008

2nd Annual Love Day

It's that time of year again, and no I'm not talking about taxes. One year ago today, we at the Worthless Opinions Headquarters created the Annual W.O. JLH Birthday Celebration less formally known as Love Day. The year was 1979. The date... February 21st. The heavens opened up, and an angel descended to Herbert Daniel Hewitt and Patricia Mae Shipp in Waco, Texas. Twenty-nine magical years later, we continue to sand in awe of the luminous Jennifer Love Hewitt. Now most women The W.O. has come across tend to hate her and knock her looks, we find something beautiful about this woman which draws men to her like a ship to a Siren. What is this thing? This ethereal quality? The extra something that tugs at our heart strings? Well I can tell you it's not her douchey fiance, who made her drop out of the number one spot on the WO Poll for the first time ever. Back to this thing,well to be honest, the thing is different for everybody. Since it snuck up on us this year (ed- being lazy is more like it), we will bring back the articles from last year. So enjoy this WO flash from the past, as we once again pay tribute to this legend. ~barry

JLH by Buford

I was always picky when I was dating. Well, maybe picky isn't a good word. I think I was picky when it came to maintaining a girlfriend. I never particularly cared for dating and always looked for things to bother me so I didn't have to date the same person for very long. I could let anything bother me to the point where I couldn't even look at the person anymore. It became a running joke amongst my friends. Until Friends and Seinfeld ran gags on the same thing, but at that time I think I was already with my wife so it didn't much matter anymore. Anyway, I broke up with girls for: wearing a stupid outfit, talking too much about 'home', trying to finish my sentences (I still would break up with her, and damn that was annoying), having a whiny voice, being too Italian, having dated an Italian (a Staten Island Italian too), and god knows what else. I have been with my wife for almost 12 years so a lot of this has become fuzzy, but the general idea is, nothing was too little when it came to me just 'turning it off'.

I started thinking about this again with the upcoming 1st annual WO JLH Birthday celebration (Love Day -ed). When I met my wife, I forgot about all of those little things that used to bug me. Well, maybe not forgot, but chose to ignore. It was cool to meet that person that you were willing to ignore all of that stuff and just be happy. I think Robin Williams said this better in Good Will Hunting and I don't want to plagiarize so….you get the drift. Soul mates, blah blah…

Jennifer Love Hewitt is that girl in my fantasy life. I have had many entertainment crushes in the past, but they all seemed to do something that appeared on the internet or in Star Magazine or US weekly for me to declare them pigs. I would probably still nail them, but the love was gone.

The best example I have of this would be Nicole Eggert. I was a big fan of her during the Charles in Charge run. We were about the same age; I felt like I had a shot, it was like it was meant to be. She then did Baywatch and she lost a little of her wholesome edge, but she was still cute and Summer was kind of money, so I let the fake cans go and she was all good in my world. Then she starred in Blown Away with the Corey's. This was something. She was NAKED in the movie. For more than one scene…and fully naked too. It was awesome. She also had sex scenes with both Haim and Feldman though, and that was not an easy pill to swallow. I convinced myself that she was acting and trying to get away from the child actor label. And then she did it, she lost me. She dated Eric Neis in real life. Eric FUCKING Neis!?!?! That was it. It was over. Don't get me wrong, I still own a copy of Blown Away, but she is just another hot naked girl now.

On a smaller scale, I thought Monica Seles was hot in an 'athletic' way. Until I read that she was almost six feet tall. I thought Summer Sanders was perfect, until I read in one of my wife's wedding magazines about her ridiculous wedding and what a spoiled twat she sounded like. I was a big fan of Jennifer Aniston, until, well I don't know when. She just bugs me now. I just started hating Rachel Ray yesterday because she kept using the phrase 'my sweetie' in reference to her boyfriend on the Rachel Ray marathon yesterday. Shut up, I was sick and my wife was in charge of the remote.

Jennifer Love Hewitt has tested me on more than one occasion. Mostly because of whom she chooses to date. I had a big problem when she was dating Carson Daly. Mainly because Carson Daly is stupid. And he painted one fingernail black and that made absolutely no sense. And I couldn't stand the way he changed his speech patterns depending on his guests on TRL. Why was I watching TRL when I was in my mid 20's? I don't know…Still, Carson Daly?

She also dated the guy from LFO. THE GUY FROM LFO! I think my unborn child could have told you that they were a bunch of go nowhere losers. But she dated him. For a while too. It's like she has no self esteem and goes out with anyone that writes a crappy song that mentions her. (I should probably start songwriting.)

And this one kills me…She dated Wilmer Valderamma. COME ON!?!?!?!?!? This guy is like Scott Baio to the new generation of attractive celebrities. I can't even read about who else she is dating anymore. It just hurts my head. But, like the guy said in 'The 40 year old Virgin':

: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.

Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?

David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...

[Gets flustered, but calms down]

David: But that's love, man.

Getting past this stuff in my real life isn't easy, let alone during my fantasy TV life. I felt for sure that would be the end of it….JLH broke down the walls. I accepted her past as part of her process. And she is much more than a TV star that is on 'my list' with the missus…She is like the missus in the made up world in my head and my wife is on the 'list' with JLH.

So, every week I watch Ghost Whisperer just to get glimpse of the pure, natural beauty that made me forget all of nonsense that normally makes me 'end' things and hate people.

Happy Birthday Baby!

JLH by Speed

Wikipedia defines Jennifer Love Hewitt as "an American actress and singer." She is all that, and more. We all know her from Party of Five, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and Ghost Whisperer. She also has a beautiful singing voice and her single "How Do I Deal" cracked 26th place on the charts. While she is most respected on stage and screen, her appeal to this member of the W.O. staff is her large, yet perky, melons.

It is rare to have a rack as fine as her's. Yet, as a man, I don't believe I could stay true to them. There is always another pair, just around the corner, that would distract my stare. On this, the first annual W.O. Jennifer Love Hewitt Day, I would like to profess my love for tits.

Some guys say that they have eyes for only one woman. They have committed to a lifetime together and their gaze would never stray. These men are liars. If the lady next door were washing the dishes topless, he would be volunteering to take out the trash in order to get a better look. Even if the lady next door was a card carrying AARP member.

Yes, that's right, it doesn't matter the size, shape, color or age of the tits, guys love 'em. It's just the way we're made. Sure, guys love women and some even restrict that to one woman, but they're always on the look out for a nice pair of cans.

So, as we sit down to dinner and celebrate JLH Day with friends and family, and as we reflect on her near-miss Oscar performances on such films as Can't Hardly Wait, The Tuxedo and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, don't forget to say a prayer of thanks for that glorious rack. Oh and I almost forget about that ass.... oh yeah.

Love by Barry

I've lived a good life, so far. Actually that's a lie. I have been blessed and cursed. Bad things happen, you move on, but the scars remain. Half the time, even I find it hard to believe what I've been through, and turned out alright.

Sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, more drugs, financial ruin, hatred, beatings, broken hearts, broken bones and finally, 'Love.' Wow, is that a hard word to define or what? Even the online dictionary definition I just cheated and glanced at has too many definitions to read. So let me cut and paste the first one right out of 'The American Heritage Dictionary.'

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

Yes I have been lucky. Skinny Barry or Fat Barry, I have always managed to find a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman who loves me. Sometimes it isn't right, sometimes its wonderful, but with all the evil I have done in life. I'm still lucky. At least I admit it right?

Now girls to women, who have been with me, (and blessed me with their presence) all seemed to have one more thing in common, a deep down hatred for my Jennifer Love. JLH has been a mainstay in my heart for many years. In the twisted depths of my mind, we grew up together, watched each other rise and fall. She was eternally, the girl next door (Well actually the girl on TV. Sorry to come off like LFO, Buford.) Because we were the same age I instantly grew attached to her on Kids Incorporated. She disappeared from my life for awhile, but was back in a couple of episodes of Byrds of Paradise, then Party of Five. I found her in the films Sister Act 2 and House Arrest. We all know her career from there, so I'll carry on.

She was always a friendly face. I could pop in a tape or DVD, sit back and smile. No matter what circumstances. There was the ideal girl next door. Now don't get me wrong… I haven't stalked, I know I would have no shot in real life (although she did kiss Jackie Chan in The Tuxedo). Brilliant writing there, ugh. Still Preston Myers had it right. There is more to her than being Mike Dexter's girlfriend. There is a beautiful, compassionate, understanding girl that is easy to love underneath it all. And I wouldn't date a girl unless she had those same qualities.

Happy Birthday, J.Love. Thanks for getting me through the times, and elevating my standards.

And I know you are as upset as me, but that brings our second annual Love Day to a close. I hope everyone has a wonderful Love Day and celebrates it in their own unique way.... whatever that may be. Let's hope for many more to come. With love Jennifer... Happy Birthday.

Editor Postscript: Yea... I didn't edit. It doesn't mean I don't still love. Just wanted to spread the joy before the day was over.

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